I got a new animation on my website.
Hang me out to Dry
June 30, 2007
June 19, 2007
I'm writing a column for the Diamondback now.
Here's the first one.
Kn(aow)ledge (correct spelling)
I’m about to lay down some knowledge on wiffleball. All facts, historical references and anecdotes used in this column are entirely fictional. Everything is fake. The only connection this column has to reality is the subject matter. Enjoy.
In 1950 the late Edward R. Murcoff invented the sport of wiffleball in response to an industrial shortage in the cow leather used to make professional variety baseballs. Soldiers fighting in Europe and the Pacific needed boots, so Americans donated their balls by the dozen to the armed forces. The few that remained were used in the major leagues.
The average American was left ball-less, unable to throw catch in the backyard with his son or organize a game at the local sandlot with buddies from work. They could still watch the professionals play, but remaining true to the American spirit of democracy, they wanted to participate.
In steps humble South Dakota scientist Edward R. Murcoff, who, through his experiments with fruit dehydration, mistakenly created what he called a “grapefruit ball.” The thing was literally a grapefruit from which Murcoff had removed all moisture. The grapefruit ball was strong, the same size as a baseball, but much much lighter.
Murcoff did not realize the grapefruit ball’s practical application until April 16 when his milkman, Walter Milkman, out on his usual delivery routes, noted the ball’s potential to curve mid-throw with the slightest application of centripetal force.
Murcoff was delighted and began marketing the grapefruit ball as an alternative to baseball that could be played in the backyards and streets of American neighborhoods. People were super excited and rushed to buy Murcoff’s balls, but were soon disappointed when they realized the ball’s incompatibility with traditional wooden baseball bats which made the balls collapse, or “wiffle” upon impact.
Folks fell into sadness as they saw their only hopes for a summer pastime dashed away into unusable dented orbs. Murcoff responded quickly, creating an alternative bat in a fashion similar to that which he used to make the ball. The bat was hallow, strong and yellow, as he had constructed it using zucchini, and would not damage the grapefruit ball.
He decided on a new approach to marketing, selling the ball and bat together as a set, and utilized the previously negative “wiffle” in his description of the product with a positive spin. The packaging said “Don’t you worry, this ball can go all nine innings without waffling! You can trust me!”
Consumers were tentative at first, because they remembered the first failure of the grapefruit ball and did not want to fall victim to the same disappointment. However, Murcoff’s product scored the endorsement of legendary Brooklyn Dodgers third baseman and slugger Barry Manilow.
This fooled people into thinking wiffle ball was cool. They said to themselves and to each other, “If Barry Manilow plays with wiffle balls then there can’t be nothing wrong with them.” By this time Americans’ grammar studies had fallen far behind the Soviets.
Shortly thereafter, the war ended and the economy experienced a return to normalcy. People no longer needed to play wiffle ball but they kept doing it anyway, because they were stupid. Technology advanced far enough to create a plastic version of the wiffle ball and bat which sold even quicker because they were never eaten by ants, which could ruin an afternoon of beer-drinking in the front yard.
Now, any whomper and four of his friends can have fun with their shallow lives as they invite women over to sit on their front porch and watch them swing a little yellow bat at a little white ball and run in a stupid little circle when they hit it.
Thanks a lot Mr. Murcoff, you’ve given America a reason to keep on kicking.
You’ve just received a dosing of knowledge you can’t use.
Kn(aow)ledge (correct spelling)
I’m about to lay down some knowledge on wiffleball. All facts, historical references and anecdotes used in this column are entirely fictional. Everything is fake. The only connection this column has to reality is the subject matter. Enjoy.
In 1950 the late Edward R. Murcoff invented the sport of wiffleball in response to an industrial shortage in the cow leather used to make professional variety baseballs. Soldiers fighting in Europe and the Pacific needed boots, so Americans donated their balls by the dozen to the armed forces. The few that remained were used in the major leagues.
The average American was left ball-less, unable to throw catch in the backyard with his son or organize a game at the local sandlot with buddies from work. They could still watch the professionals play, but remaining true to the American spirit of democracy, they wanted to participate.
In steps humble South Dakota scientist Edward R. Murcoff, who, through his experiments with fruit dehydration, mistakenly created what he called a “grapefruit ball.” The thing was literally a grapefruit from which Murcoff had removed all moisture. The grapefruit ball was strong, the same size as a baseball, but much much lighter.
Murcoff did not realize the grapefruit ball’s practical application until April 16 when his milkman, Walter Milkman, out on his usual delivery routes, noted the ball’s potential to curve mid-throw with the slightest application of centripetal force.
Murcoff was delighted and began marketing the grapefruit ball as an alternative to baseball that could be played in the backyards and streets of American neighborhoods. People were super excited and rushed to buy Murcoff’s balls, but were soon disappointed when they realized the ball’s incompatibility with traditional wooden baseball bats which made the balls collapse, or “wiffle” upon impact.
Folks fell into sadness as they saw their only hopes for a summer pastime dashed away into unusable dented orbs. Murcoff responded quickly, creating an alternative bat in a fashion similar to that which he used to make the ball. The bat was hallow, strong and yellow, as he had constructed it using zucchini, and would not damage the grapefruit ball.
He decided on a new approach to marketing, selling the ball and bat together as a set, and utilized the previously negative “wiffle” in his description of the product with a positive spin. The packaging said “Don’t you worry, this ball can go all nine innings without waffling! You can trust me!”
Consumers were tentative at first, because they remembered the first failure of the grapefruit ball and did not want to fall victim to the same disappointment. However, Murcoff’s product scored the endorsement of legendary Brooklyn Dodgers third baseman and slugger Barry Manilow.
This fooled people into thinking wiffle ball was cool. They said to themselves and to each other, “If Barry Manilow plays with wiffle balls then there can’t be nothing wrong with them.” By this time Americans’ grammar studies had fallen far behind the Soviets.
Shortly thereafter, the war ended and the economy experienced a return to normalcy. People no longer needed to play wiffle ball but they kept doing it anyway, because they were stupid. Technology advanced far enough to create a plastic version of the wiffle ball and bat which sold even quicker because they were never eaten by ants, which could ruin an afternoon of beer-drinking in the front yard.
Now, any whomper and four of his friends can have fun with their shallow lives as they invite women over to sit on their front porch and watch them swing a little yellow bat at a little white ball and run in a stupid little circle when they hit it.
Thanks a lot Mr. Murcoff, you’ve given America a reason to keep on kicking.
You’ve just received a dosing of knowledge you can’t use.
June 12, 2007
Sad Fat Girl
I'm working on an illustrated short story. Here's pencils of the first two pages. I've been drawing on graph paper.
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